Passionate love is not meant to last. Oops, sorry, I started off a bit strong, but don’t panic, it’ll get better, you’ll see… Wanting to build a long-term relationship on passion is denying the reality that a relationship goes through three successive stages:
- First, attraction, which is the state we experience when meeting someone. We feel good, relaxed, not yet crazy about the other person, the desire to see each other is there, but we are in control, and if it were to end at this point, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.
- As we get closer, this attraction turns into passionate love, which lasts for several months (let’s say about a year, there’s no precise duration). During this period, the brain secretes phenylethylamine, dopamine, and oxytocin, a chemical cocktail that induces euphoria and encourages attachment. We cannot remain in ecstasy forever, and gradually the brain gets used to these impulses.
- Finally, lasting attachment comes as a result of a decision to build together.
The trap is believing that passion, this intense roller coaster ride, this chemically pure love (as Albert Cohen calls it in Belle du Seigneur), this period during which we are never tired and we annoy everyone, IS the normal state of love. Many people fall for it and wake up one day next to someone and realize they are with a partner with whom it will be difficult to build something beautiful and concrete. There are also those who want to relive this phase at all costs, but unfortunately, it’s impossible. The only way for your brain to produce the magical cocktail mentioned above again is to meet someone else.
In fact, you may have noticed that if you break up with a man with whom you have already experienced this passionate love phase, and you decide to get back together, you do not go through another 10 months of passionate love. Emotions resume their usual course.
A relationship is something that requires work, nurturing, and fortunately, many couples maintain surprise, play, vibrant sexuality, cultivate respect, and feel admiration for their partner while continuing to grow together. To quote a famous phrase by Albert Einstein, I would say:
“A relationship is like riding a bicycle. To maintain balance, you must keep moving.”
Just like toothpaste, once the tube of passion has been emptied, it cannot be refilled. The question to ask is, how can I make my relationship continue to be exciting and enriching even though we no longer feel passion?
One of the answers to this question is to never stop surprising each other. Surprise is what turns life from ordinary to extraordinary, it’s what makes your relationship unique, and it’s what makes you an irreplaceable person. No need for a special occasion, no need for it to be romantic, and certainly no need for it to be expensive; it’s the unexpected aspect that is interesting. If you lack ideas, I provide some in my book, simple things that require no preparation. A piece of advice, as someone once surprised me this way: if you plan to show up at his place in underwear under a trench coat, make sure his colleagues haven’t stopped by for coffee unannounced.
