This week, a subscriber approached me with a question that seemed important to address: “I have been in a relationship for 3 years, but I’m attracted to other men. How do I handle it?” Maybe this has already happened to you, despite the love you have for your partner. First of all, I want to reassure you a little. It is rare that after several years in a relationship that we remain completely immune to external temptations or the charms of the people around us.
Understanding your attraction
It is a completely human behavior that can be compared to everyday behaviors, such as envying the lives (travels, experiences, jobs) of others, always wanting to possess new things (a new car, a new smartphone, new clothes). We always have a greater attraction to what we don’t have yet, and this also applies to love. The perceived value of something varies according to its level of accessibility.
Remember when you first met your partner, both of you had a high level of interest in each other, largely due to the excitement of novelty and discovering each other. This is exactly what happens when you are attracted to a new man, except that there is one more thing, a very small thing that is of great importance. And that thing is your body, which will send you signals indicating that this man is perfect for you. Our system of functioning is quite simple: stress to punish us and pleasure to reward us. In addition to our willpower, we receive daily “messages” that influence our actions. The best thing is to learn to know ourselves and be able to rationalize by telling ourselves that it’s normal, that we (human beings) are designed to function this way.
Assessing your relationship
If the relationship you are in today fulfills you, this attraction will likely be temporary. Unfortunately, we only discover this after we have indulged in it, similar to regretting eating fast food as soon as we finish it—we would like to go back in time and eat something healthier, but it’s too late. The problem here is that we put the relationship at risk, so it is important to take the time to realise what we are doing.
In the case where you are no longer truly satisfied in your relationship, where you have lost the tension and excitement, I invite you, first of all, to take action in your relationship. I believe that in every couple, partners have a kind of “obligation of means.” I like to make a parallel with a quote from Robert Fulghum:
“Your relationship is like a garden. If you don’t water the garden, your relationship will deteriorate. Of course, there are two of you, but today the question is only directed at you. Will you turn your hose towards the neighboring garden, or will you water your own?”
Taking action
I’m not saying that you should cut off all seduction from your life, stop allowing yourself to be attracted, or stop going out. But simply be aware that from the moment you respond ambiguously to the advances of other men you meet, whether in writing or orally, you are indeed watering the neighbor’s garden instead of your own.
Ask yourself this question: “When was the last time I did something seductive for my partner?” Something that the other person didn’t see coming. Giving your relationship another chance gives meaning to what you have built so far, and a nurtured relationship can be fulfilling in the long run. Like everything else, you need to maintain it regularly.
Also, remember that by redirecting your energy towards your relationship, you will become more in love, even without realizing it. There are several ways to inject energy into your relationship. It could be a small gesture, surprise, or compliment! Don’t overcomplicate things, send them a text saying “Just wanted to tell you how amazing you are” or “I’m craving you so much.” Or give them a little surprise by leaving a small gift at their place. The important thing is to take a small action towards your relationship rather than a big action towards the first attractive guy who comes along. You’ll see that sometimes it’s enough to feel aligned again.
