Preparing for a first date is going through a number of conflicting emotions: anxiousness and excitement, fear and hope. Even after dozens of first dates, I remember feeling a stress comparable to that felt before a job interview or exam. A few minutes before it started, I would have given anything to be somewhere else, ready to be replaced by any friend much better qualified than me for the “job”.
If it is so common to feel this way, it is because in each meeting the stakes are high : that of pleasing physically and mentally to someone who could well be on paper the right one. So how many times have I come back from a date thinking I was useless: I talked too much, I didn’t smile enough, I was too cold… or the opposite! As if the cursor was never set at the right level.
Through self-questioning, I believe that over the dates I have managed to erase most of my bad habits. Better yet, I made them into strengths that worked for most of the interesting men I met. So I analyze for you these widespread attitudes that could harm you during your dates and tell you what to replace them with.
Attitude # 1: Over-selling
The fear of not being up to a first date can often make us say absurd things. I myself, how many times have I lied about the real frequency of my sports activities or my taste for cultural outings when faced with a man who questioned me about my passions?
It is tempting to pass yourself off as an exceptional woman in front of a stranger who knows nothing about you. Even if it means going overboard! Except that this attitude is totally counterproductive. If you are lazy like me, you will not last long when the guy in question, a marathon lover, will offer you to run 15 km together. Likewise, you will look really stupid when this guy who works as a projectionist will ask you about the last Lars Von Trier after talking to you about your passion for auteur cinema (when in reality you are more of the type to watch the complete Friends for the 7th time).
So what to do? For example, being very little sporty myself, I was often embarrassed by the famous question: “Do you do sports?” I finally realized that my attitude and my wit had much more effect than lies. So I found THE answer that suits me and that hits the mark every time: “Sports? No I don’t need it. On the other hand, I’m a master at darts”. I follow up with one or two experiences, or even expert advice and the guy has already forgotten his question. So I advise you to assume who you are and think of an activity that really makes you vibrate or that you master (even if it is not the sexiest in the world). Talking about it with assurance and irony is what is seductive.
Attitude # 2: Being a Talking Machine
Have you ever noticed what happens when a subject of conversation runs out between two people and the moment that follows is suspended by a blank, a void, a silence. A few seconds too long and it’s the embarrassment that we will generally break with an embarrassing “there”.
To avoid this very unpleasant moment, some tend to pour out a continuous flow of words on the stranger in front of them who did not ask for so much. This attitude is not specifically female. The talkative men I have met I remember very well, and not for good reasons. For me, the worst thing during a first date is to realise that my mind is wandering elsewhere while I should be concentrating on the words of the being in front of me.
For a conversation to be rich, it must be built naturally and in a balanced way. The more you are able to show a real interest in the other’s speech, the smoother and more enjoyable the conversations you will have. Knowing how to dose your flow of words is thus an ultra seductive and rare quality that can really boost your social interactions. What worked particularly well for me was to train active listening, even outside the context of seduction. That is to say, looking into the eyes of the person speaking to me and showing a sincere interest in what they are talking to me about without hasty judgment (eg: nodding, reformulating, asking new questions, etc.). This posture has helped me to establish a climate of trust with my potential partner in the seduction phase. The key is here: the other person feels comfortable in my presence and wants to see me again!
Normally, a first date lasts about two hours, you should easily have a lot to talk about… in case of the contrary, I advise you to shorten the ordeal directly. Last thing, if there is silence in your conversation, it is not necessarily a bad thing. If the atmosphere allows it, play with this “pause” and take advantage of this suspended moment to cast a sparkling look into the eyes of the other (2-3 seconds only, otherwise it can become creepy!).
These tips will help you sort out your surroundings . For example, you will stop listening to people who never listen to you. Cultivate a true speaking, become an active listening and you will see that all aspects of your life will take on a new momentum.
It’s human, everyone likes to be listened to and tell stories. But nobody likes banal conversations. I am convinced that a part of the extraordinary lies in each of you… no need to invent it, just find it and then spread it by touch and with simplicity during your next romantic dates.
