We’ve always been told that being in a relationship requires us to make concessions. But how do we go about imposing our limits? Out of love, a need to be loved, or a fear of conflict, we sometimes prefer to ignore events or our partner’s actions. This is obviously not a long-term solution, and you’ll find it much harder to impose your limits once you’ve let someone cross them even once. Here are a few tips for setting limits as a couple and managing to discuss them with your partner without causing arguments.
How do you set limits?
Make a list
Perhaps if you tell your best friend about the evening you had last night, when your boyfriend wasn’t paying much attention and regularly took out his phone, she won’t be shocked and will consider that after so many years, it’s become a bit normal to pay less attention. But if you talk to your mother about it, she’ll say it shows a lack of respect for you. Each individual has their own value system, so we won’t have the same limits in our relationship as our work colleague or neighbour (make sure you take this into account when you ask the people around you for advice).
It’s worth taking the time to put each of your limits in writing, without letting yourself be influenced by the opinions of those around you, or your partner. Write down in a notebook the boundaries you feel you must not cross: what gestures or words hurt you, what makes you feel disrespected, etc…. This inventory will enable you to keep your bearings, to avoid having your limits fluctuate according to your partner, and to be able to think about the response you want to give when your limits are crossed.
Give your instructions for use
It’s more difficult, and not always welcomed, to communicate about crossing your boundaries once you’ve already done so. To avoid having to backtrack, I strongly advise you to communicate your limits to your partner right from the start of the relationship. As we’ve seen, we don’t all have the same, and perhaps in his previous relationship your man didn’t have the same limits. So before blaming him and taking it for granted that he shouldn’t do “that”, warn him!
You’re in a restaurant and you see a couple about your age, looking into each other’s eyes and holding hands. No electronic devices in sight, they’re in their own bubble, living in the moment. You think it’s great and you want your couple to look like this, so say so! It’s simple, and now you’ve communicated your instructions and told them that you share their values.
Got a question about your situation? Come and ask us in the Club!
How should you react in the moment?
If your limits have been exceeded?
Has he grabbed his phone to answer a friend, or got some free energy on his favourite game while you were having a drink alone? It’s annoying because you rarely have these moments together, and you’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown. First of all, take a deep breath, then remind yourself of the following sentence: “Reproaches don’t work with men and lead to arguments! Sound good? So here’s how to make him understand that he’s overstepped your boundaries.
First of all, don’t use what’s known as the accusatory “YOU”: “You don’t have to use your phone at a time like this, you’re being inconsiderate! It’s guaranteed to set the mood for the rest of the evening, even if he puts it away immediately.
I suggest you grab his phone, look at him with a big smile and put it away in your pocket! Were you expecting this? No, you didn’t have a magic phrase to say, but rather a significant, assertive and non-aggressive action to take so that he remembers that that’s not the way to play with you!
The magic of positive reinforcement
This secret weapon can be applied before or after your limits have been exceeded. Let me explain, we’ve seen that men react badly to reproaches, it’s annoying, but that’s the way it is. So how can you get the message across more subtly?
As soon as the opportunity arises, when you tell him about your day at work for example, see if he’s listening to you and take the opportunity to say: “You see, when you listen to me with such attention, I feel loved and that makes me feel really good” or “You’re really concentrated when you listen to me, I find that rather sexy”.
These phrases serve to reward his action, and he’ll remember that it’s this kind of behaviour that you’re validating.
To sum up:
Make a list of your limits
Let your partner know what you expect
React by taking action
Use positive reinforcement rather than reproaches
And admire the results 😉
