While you read this article, there are people out there who are questioning whether they have made the right choice. They have doubts, like whether the woman that they are dating – the one they are in the process of building something with – is really the right one. Or whether they are going to end up suffering, or feeling suffocated. Or if there is a completely different future out there waiting to be discovered: with someone who would make them experience other emotions. Many men experience this phase of doubt and many women suffer as a result, left wondering how they can get out of this cycle of slow torture.
Waiting around is a bad idea
If he has shared with you that he has doubts and is questioning your future together, waiting for him to make up his mind is a bad idea.
I’m sure you’ve already experienced this kind of hesitation before too. Take a moment to think of a time when you were about to make a decision that would have major consequences for your future. Perhaps it was taking up a job offer, or moving to another city. Or maybe you were buying a house and couldn’t decide. When a big decision scares us, we are told to “think it over”. That’s what he’s doing, isn’t it?
But do we really think it over? Not really, for the most part. We never sit down and think about one thing for hours on end. We don’t make flowcharts, do calculations or put together mind maps. No, most of the time we simply wait until something positive happens that gives us a push in the right direction, before the time we have to make the decision is up. If not, we continue on our way. It is not thinking that pushes us to act, it is life and what happens in it. I’m thinking of all of those people who moved or started a new project “following a break-up”.
Waiting for him to make a decision is a bad idea.
O time, please stand still
He has found himself at a crossroads – on one side there is an open road but it seems uncertain. There is something missing. A component that would push him to take it. It could even be something important, that you haven’t had a chance to show him yet.
He may be worried about commitment and as we saw earlier, time is key here. He believes that he has all the time in the world and it is precisely by offering him that time that you are now at risk of drifting apart.
How can I make him understand that his time for reflection is limited?
You have to flip around the way you view things. You are a woman of value, and a woman of value does not go into standby, waiting around. A woman of value is a force of nature that moves forward no matter what, so you are not going to stand by and give him a deadline for making up his mind. If he doesn’t make the decision to jump on board the train, you will slowly start moving (in fact you should have never stopped moving), and disappear into the horizon.
The first step is acting based on you, not him. As a result, your availability will naturally decrease and he will be able to sense it. He will see that you are moving forward without him, and that the train will eventually take you away from him.
Giving him an ultimatum and saying, “I’ll give you until midnight on the 25th to make up your mind” may seem like a powerful act. A lot of women who feel like they need to do something choose this option. Except the reality is that the ultimatum will work against you, because it is a threat, as well as an order. I don’t know many men who would react positively to being threatened or ordered to do something. Instead of receiving a positive reaction and having him jump into your arms, you are more likely to hear, “So that’s how it is? I’m off.” You just provided him with a negative sign that reinforces his decision to leave.
The right attitude
The first step is to fill up your diary, and shift your attention from him to yourself. Your time for him should naturally decrease. Don’t give him the time you would give a boyfriend, but rather the time you would give a date – if he is not sure, then you mustn’t be sure either.
The second step concerns your attitude towards the situation. Don’t go silent because you are afraid of making a mistake, and don’t raise the subject in a sweet voice asking him if “he has had time to think” as if he has an incurable disease. Doing this will make him perceive you as someone unsure of their worth. It will not make him want to take the leap, but will rather validate any doubts he has about you.
Leave him hungry for more
Let him have his doubts. Don’t offer, but reward. Make him invest in you. For example, when you see each other, let him come to you – a train can’t go back to the station. This dynamic will mean he is using his energy on you. He is walking in your direction. Don’t shut down other opportunities that appear. What I’m talking about is an entire shift in your behaviour, made up of a lot of little things that will, on the whole, make him worry. That’s a good thing.
Don’t explain the change in your behaviour, and avoid demystifying things by showing him the behind the scenes of your own questioning, doubts and actions, because when we understand a mystery, we are no longer drawn to it.
Lastly, set yourself a reasonable time limit. At the end of this time limit, you will actually move on. It should be around a few weeks, 3 at the most, because he doesn’t really need time to decide. He already knows.
