Have you ever experienced meeting a great guy, noticing signs of genuine interest from him, but despite everything, something just didn’t add up, until he disappeared overnight?
If so, you may have encountered a compulsive seducer. Some men have an overwhelming need to seduce. We enjoy spending time with them, sometimes even getting caught up in their game, but to what extent? To the point of dating them? It would be a risky bet, though tempting in the moment. Even though they may seem charmed, it’s likely just a façade. So, the solution is to identify compulsive seducers as quickly as possible, to distance yourself before you develop feelings. Learn how in this article.
Lots of energy spent on charming you
The compulsive seducer doesn’t do things by halves. Once he has his sights on you, it’s you and no one else… for now.
As long as the conquest lasts – whether it’s an evening or a few weeks – you’ll feel like you’re the only one in his eyes. He’ll make room in his schedule to see you, even adjusting to yours. His gestures will also seem almost disproportionate to the stage of the relationship: fancy dinners, gifts, special attentions, etc. He’ll even go so far as to quickly envision a future with you, talking about trips, places, and adventures he’d like to experience with you, with enthusiasm. He’ll make you feel unique because, in the moment he’s with you, it’s you and no one else.
But all of this will come while you feel like you haven’t lifted a finger. In other words, it all comes a little too soon, a little too easily. From the very start, as you’re just getting to know each other, the compulsive seducer needs to feel that he’s successfully seducing you. He’s on a conquest, and you’re his target.
The compulsive seducer works behind the scenes, but stays on the surface
Because you are truly unique, and he needs to feel that he’s seducing you, he will seek to find out what works with you. He’ll play the game fully. He’ll send you messages, but without overwhelming you. He’ll ask questions to learn about your favorite foods, the types of places you enjoy, etc.
This way, he gathers the information he needs to seduce you. He’ll adjust his strategy, getting to know you and figuring out what you like. In just a few weeks, he becomes part of your life. Like a charming prince entering your world, but without overdoing it. He suddenly becomes part of your daily life through your exchanges, and he shows a keen desire to see you. You feel like you’re part of a new world, at the crossroads of yours and his.
However, you’ll sense that something is off. If you pay close attention, you’ll notice that his intentions lack depth, even though they’re personalized and directed at you. Sometimes, despite the time spent together, you’ll feel that he doesn’t really see you, that the connection isn’t entirely genuine. Although many advise looking at actions to judge a situation, it’s important not to silence your intuition, especially in these circumstances.
The compulsive seducer is experienced with women
By the time you meet him, and as his name suggests, the compulsive seducer isn’t a beginner. He’s well-practiced and knows what works. He masters the art of rhetoric, using words to make you laugh, share what he does, what he likes, what he’d like to do with you…
He’s also well-mannered. He knows how to hold the door for you and serve you first, all without making a big deal of it. But he knows you notice. Like an experienced salesman, he takes you into his world and convinces you of what he has to offer. He gets a little too enthusiastic about the future with you, but just enough for you to feel special in his eyes and privileged, without panicking.
One of my friends is one of those men. It’s impossible to count the number of his conquests, so skilled is he at seduction. Yet every time, he “does things right.” He’s charming, to the point of having a significant budget set aside for dates every month. At the start, he already has many advantages: he’s good-looking, intelligent, and funny. For the women he dates, he’s also thoughtful, attentive, and a good listener… for a few weeks at most. Because deep down, his heart isn’t in it at all. He simply needs to do things right in the art of seduction.
For example, after a night with a woman, he’ll go as far as getting up early, well before her, to fetch pastries, strawberries, and other fresh fruits, and prepare breakfast from scratch, etc. All of this, without having any intention of seeing the woman again afterward.
He enjoys seducing, pleasing, and doing things right to the very end. In a way, he does it more for himself than for the woman in question, but she doesn’t know that. Naturally, women fall under his charm and are confused when they learn that he doesn’t want to see them again. He needs to seduce, to have enjoyable moments, to experience the beginning of relationships, but he doesn’t necessarily fall for the other person. He sells dreams, but doesn’t dream of anything himself.
The compulsive seducer disappears when you get closer
The compulsive seducer doesn’t stay available. His schedule, which seemed to be at your disposal at the beginning, doesn’t remain that way for long.
Once his need to seduce is satisfied, whether it’s because he’s seen everything he wanted to see and doesn’t wish to continue, or because he just wanted to have fun for a while, things change. The compulsive seducer needs to be in control. As long as you’re his target, he’s available. The second his interest fades, unfortunately, you no longer mean much to him. As Barney Stinson, a character from the show How I Met Your Mother, said: “new is always better.”
It’s completely natural that after several weeks of intense seduction, flirting, or even the start of a relationship, you’d want to see him. But here’s the catch: you’ll realize that when you propose meeting him, suddenly, he won’t be available. Worse yet, he’ll disappear. He’ll know he’s played a game that pushed you to act the way you have, but it’s not what he wanted. He won’t want the relationship he sold to you, so he’ll vanish.
This is the most painful moment for the victim of a compulsive seducer, as this is when the curtain falls. The disillusionment is hard to grasp, given the stark contrast between before and after.
Spotting a compulsive seducer
Recognizing and outsmarting a compulsive seducer is no easy task. First, you need to master the fundamentals, such as understanding a man’s feelings. It’s important to know a man’s intentions, even when he’s investing a lot and making himself highly available.
Next, you need to understand what creates a connection. Don’t confuse what he is with what he does for you, with how he reacts to you. Clearly determine what is entirely his to give and could be done with someone else, versus what arises from your unique meeting.
Finally, it’s essential to know where you’re headed and not let him completely lead the dance of your dates. Sitting in the passenger seat and letting him take the lead is a fundamental mistake, because that’s how he will seduce you. If you want to reach a specific place with a man, you need to take an active part in your encounters, otherwise, he’ll take you where he wants.
A compulsive seducer attracts attention mainly for what he represents, but it’s important to understand that deep down, he’s not genuinely interested, he embodies. What does he embody? What typically attracts women and sometimes is missing in a traditional encounter. It’s not ‘just good’ with a few minor flaws inherent to awkwardness. It’s perfect with that extra touch. But perfection is not the norm, so if everything seems too good to be true, listen more deeply to your intuition.
At the core, the compulsive seducer doesn’t always mean harm
Often, compulsive seducers become this way after a major romantic disappointment. It may sound cliché, but unfortunately, it’s true. Their ‘innocent’ heart, in the sense that it has been untouched by both good and bad romantic experiences, has been hurt, and they seek to compensate. The rejection they’ve faced, sometimes even betrayal, has wounded them so deeply that they need to regain control over their relationships with women. Since they can’t have the one they wanted, they will aim to have all the others. They need reassurance of their ability to seduce.
Some may even, in their mind, be genuinely seeking love, believing that they’ll find it this way. They chain together encounters, conquests, giving their all each time, searching for the one who will make their heart flutter. However, by becoming experts in the art of seduction, they quickly grow bored with women who fall easily for their charm and can no longer surprise them. Unsurprisingly, they will focus more on those who resist them. But be warned, just because you resist them for a long time, and they need to overflow with creativity to seduce you, doesn’t mean they’ll stay once they’ve won you over.
Others don’t hide the fact that they primarily enjoy satisfying their ego and their need for conquest. A bit lawless, thinking they’re free from any reproach as long as ‘they don’t commit,’ they will sell you dreams and wonders without any sincere intention of following through.
