This article is the second part of a series on winning back love. I invite you to read my previous article in which I provide surprising statistical information. If you’ve already done so, let’s pick up where we left off and focus on the breakup itself, which will provide us with important information about the possibilities of reconciliation.
Why does it often not work?
Some couples (as we’ve seen, they are rare) can get back together and make it work, while others cannot. It depends on a variety of factors, starting with the reason for the breakup. As we previously mentioned, it’s “easy” to see each other again and make love, but unfortunately, that is not what makes a couple work in the long term. If the reason for the separation is rooted in your personality or a recurring attitude, that problem will still be there when you get back together. That’s why most reconciliations do not last; the reason for the breakup remains present, and it’s important to accept that it may be something that cannot be changed.
Imagine you break up with a man because he is always self-centered and not generous enough. At first, you may not have been fully aware of it, but over time and through various experiences in the relationship, you realize that it weighs on you to the point of becoming a reason for the breakup. When you get back together, his personality will not change; he will still be egocentric and stingy. No matter how much you try to improve communication, as is often advised, it won’t fix anything. You’ll communicate more only to realize that he doesn’t understand your point of view because his psyche is different. It’s like explaining to a colorblind person that an apple is red when they perceive it as green.
Knowing the truth about the breakup
Let’s go back to you. The problem is that when a man breaks up with you, he may not necessarily tell you the real reason for the breakup. He might give vague explanations because he doesn’t want to hurt you even more. Here are some examples of general “real” reasons for breakup mentioned by the men I’ve coached:
– The vision you have for the future of the relationship doesn’t align with the vision he has for himself, meaning you tend to want to go in two different directions.
– The relationship no longer fulfills his expectations (emotional or sexual needs).
– He doesn’t see enough benefits in being in a relationship.
– A particular trait or attitude bothers him.
– You or he has cheated (betrayal).
Each relationship is different, and it’s important to take the time to replay the relationship in your memory to see at what point it stopped progressing, at what speed, and of course, try to determine the underlying reason. In a relationship, men or women do not inform their partners about the decline in their level of interest or the reasons behind it. If you feel that you don’t have enough perspective to understand the reasons that led to the breakup, you can consider seeking coaching to find out exactly what happened and whether there is still a chance to remedy the situation.
A concrete example
I’ll give you a real-life example from the story of someone I know: Samuel*, who left his girlfriend after two years:
“We started the relationship long-distance, she came to see me in Paris several times, I also travelled to Denmark several times, and after 6 months it was obvious that we both wanted an exclusive relationship, we saw ourselves together for the long term. She took advantage of a job opportunity to move to Paris. The first year was perfect, but little by little things started to go wrong, I guess they were there from the start but I didn’t pay too much attention. She liked to receive attention from other men and always kept the upper hand, which meant that it was totally passive on her part but she never defended the relationship. She was also very vague and unreassuring. I think I became tense and less and less patient, and the arguments progressed. After a year and a half, the relationship became unbearable and subject to too many ups and downs, so of course we didn’t make love during the ‘down’ periods. I think at that point we started to resent each other, it lasted a few more months but the last big blip was fatal, I preferred to end the relationship, I couldn’t get over the negativity any more. I still feel a kind of regret for what the relationship could have been, and I often think about it again.”
In this story there are several intertwined concepts, but you understand that Samuel will never have told his ex clearly what was going on in his head because they were in tumultuous communication and also because men aren’t the best at putting into words what’s bothering them. They may broach the subject in a roundabout way, but you’re not necessarily going to link this to a decrease in affection and sex and an increase in tension and other arguments.
An important factor in winning someone back
The length of your relationship is a very important criterion. A relationship lasting less than 6 months will not have the same chances as one lasting 3 years. If you manage to get along with someone for that long, it says something about the compatibility of the two people. Many people are able to date for a few months because passion for love helps to overcome incompatibilities, or simply because you haven’t really discovered the other person yet.
I get a lot of questions from women who haven’t managed to get through a few months with a man they really liked. Unfortunately, when the break-up happens so early, 99% of the time there’s nothing you can do. The best strategy is to work on yourself, improve your knowledge of men and relationships and become the kind of woman men want to get serious with. This video, taken from my support group, is an excellent starting point.
To conclude, a man who is in a relationship that gives him what he needs and where there are more positives than negatives and where both people want to move in the same direction and adhere to the same values won’t think of splitting up. Even if they are a man that women like, when they are in a relationship that makes them feel fulfilled and happy, most men don’t think about building a relationship with another woman. I hope that this article helps you to reflect on the real reasons for your separation and enables you to begin the introspective work necessary if you want to try anything.
