A question from a subscriber who feels bored in her relationship:
I suppose boredom in a relationship is inevitable, but I don’t know how to fix it. My husband is a great guy, a kind soul, and he was born to be a father (I hope that happens someday). But after all this time together, he doesn’t excite me as a person anymore. We’ve been together for twelve years and have never had other partners.
We’ve never shared many common interests, but we used to talk and connect. Now, I do my best to avoid conversations. He starts talking, maybe about a new game or a programming project he’s working on, and I’m instantly bored. It even affects how I share things. I don’t have the energy to talk about my own interests or the things I enjoy for more than a minute or two. Just the bare minimum, like:
Him (leaving his room and entering mine): What are you up to? Me: Oh, I’m reading this book. It’s pretty good. Him: Ah, nice. Enjoy your reading. Me: And you? Him: I’m trying to solve a coding problem, it’s tricky. Me: Ouch, good luck with that!
That’s a typical conversation. Apart from some occasional small talk, that’s how it begins and ends.
We sometimes have fun when we go out together, and occasionally we manage to relax and have a great conversation, but that’s become rare. And as for activities, when we’re home, it’s dull and monotonous. Sexually, things have been stale for a while. We bought some stuff from a store six months ago, but neither of us has suggested using it. It’s like we just ‘moved on.’
Sure, the easy answer would be to say it’s depression, but I actually feel fine. I work out, I’m part of online communities, and I can chat for hours with my family. I don’t have many in-person friends, but I can still talk with them. However, with my husband, it’s just small talk.
It’s obvious that we need to make some changes. I just don’t know where to start. We’ve talked about it and made a few adjustments. We go to the gym together and have breakfast outings. We visit secondhand bookstores and game shops. But at home, just the two of us? We’re basically roommates most of the time. How can we make the necessary changes to keep our marriage going? I feel young and vibrant outside, but at home, I feel like I’m 65 and retired.
– Jenna, who would love some answers
Is It Normal to Feel Bored in a Marriage?
If you ask people around you, Mathilde, they’ll probably say that feeling bored in a long-term relationship is perfectly normal. Life has its ups and downs, and not every day can be more exciting than the last, blah blah blah. You might even have friends telling you how ‘lucky’ you are, luck you apparently don’t see, blinded as you are!
The reality is, you lack a meaningful connection with your husband. Honestly, I know people in my neighborhood who have a connection ten times stronger with their pets. Don’t confuse boredom with a lack of connection. Boredom is a temporary state, a mental space where nothing truly grabs your attention, but anything could potentially happen. It’s normal (and even healthy) to feel bored, whether alone or with your partner. It often precedes excitement, enthusiasm, and even creativity.
The False Trail of Shared Interests
It’s clear from your words that you and your partner don’t share many common interests. But let me tell you something: it doesn’t matter. Think about pet owners. Most happy dog owners have no desire to chew on bones or chase cars. And yet, the connection is undeniable.
What matters isn’t what you do together, but how you experience it. You could absolutely feel connected with him while watching a documentary about volcanoes, even if geology bores you to death — as long as you both get caught up in the moment, sharing the same energy. Connection isn’t about content or activities. It’s about shared emotions. And that, you can create. As long as you don’t share emotions side by side, no amount of love will prevent you from feeling like two neighboring rooms in a house without doors.
How to Reconnect When the Spark Is Gone
Even if the connection is lost, your love is likely still there. It’s just dormant, untested. Funny enough, nothing jolts a relationship back to life like a major challenge. It pushes you into survival mode and makes you realize the love of your life has been right there all along, craving intensity to thrive.
Your life lacks friction. Obstacles. Real stakes. So create them. Not through artificial drama, but by stepping off the highway of routine. Take an unexpected exit. Get lost. Disorient yourself. Invite a bit of chaos. This often happens naturally in relationships faced with big events: moving, having kids, career changes. People think a peaceful life is bliss, but humans are allergic to predictability.
Break the rhythm that’s made you invisible to each other. Change your schedules. Switch up your routines. Reintroduce surprise and contrast. You want to shatter the ‘Groundhog Day’ feeling that 12 years together have built. This alone won’t create connection, but it will break the Pavlovian association between your disconnection and your long-standing habits.
Play with distance and closeness. Give yourselves more space, then come back together suddenly. You’re focusing a lot on the house as a problem area. But a house is just one of many stages in a couple’s life. Are you spending too much time there? If so, why? It’s no surprise that two adults, isolated in a home, start feeling like roommates.
Your husband is probably someone who gets absorbed in tasks, easily retreating into his own world. Meanwhile, you seem more lively, craving interaction. Rather than expecting him to be perpetually available, plan moments of genuine presence and availability.
Instead of trying to change him, appreciate what each personality brings. An extrovert encourages an introvert to step out of their comfort zone, while an introvert can offer grounding and calm. By recognizing this, your differences become a source of enrichment rather than frustration.
Reconnecting with Yourself
From your words, I don’t get the sense that your life outside of your marriage is particularly exciting. Remember, your husband is your life partner, not your entertainer. There’s a recent fantasy where people expect their partners to play every role: best friend, passionate lover, empathetic confidant, personal coach, doting father… It’s a lot. Spoiler alert: that’s not realistic.
Without even working on your connection with him, you can make your life exciting again. Reconnect with yourself. What interests you? What excites you? What scares you? Imagine he’s out of the picture tomorrow. What would make your life fulfilling?
By regaining your inner spark, you naturally become more magnetic. Not by trying to ‘save the relationship,’ but by nourishing your own energy and enthusiasm.
Cultivating Love in Your Relationship
You get it now. Reigniting the flame isn’t about making a checklist of ‘fun activities’ or waiting for him to become more captivating. It starts with a choice. A choice to bring energy and emotion back into what’s gone stale.
Reconnection doesn’t mean pretending. Skip the romantic weekend if you still feel like roommates. What you need is to see him differently. Be curious. Ask him, “What frustrated you today?” or “What made you smile?” Listen without judgment. Curiosity rebuilds connections, and from there, love often follows.
Yann
