In your opinion, what do all Erasmus trips, dating sites, and your next vacation in Greece have in common? Can’t see it? Well, let me help you: the answer is in the article’s title! All four can lead you down the path to meeting a beautiful stranger and starting a long-distance romantic relationship.
So, we’re talking about those stories that, due to distance, involve planning meetings, multiple trips, and lots of uncertainties from the very beginning. Stay until the end, and I’ll share a piece of advice (tried and tested) to make these kinds of relationships evolve in the direction you want.
The pitfalls of distance
I don’t know about you, but the idea of living miles away from my beloved didn’t appeal to me at first. I only saw the disadvantages of long-distance relationships: the lack of physical contact, doubts (particularly concerning fidelity), the resulting jealousy, misunderstandings that can’t be cleared up directly, loneliness, and the absence of daily life as a couple… not to mention the expenses generated by both parties’ regular trips.
I always made sure not to pursue my holiday flings beyond the summer. Then I discovered dating sites, and, big mistake… I started chatting with men I found attractive without considering the geographical criteria. I believe that at the time, the miles fed my romantic soul and reinforced a stubborn belief: “If he’s the one, no matter the obstacles, we’ll overcome them.”
What I didn’t know yet was that distance blurred the codes of the beginning of a relationship. I remember starting a story (which I considered serious) with a man I met on a dating site, living 400 kilometers away from me, and whom I thought I was madly in love with. Today, I admit that I was mainly in love with the emotional roller coaster experienced every 15 days: the exceptional reunions on Friday evenings, the ultra-intense Saturdays, and the depressive Sundays due to goodbyes. This lasted six months, so a total of about a dozen meetings. I think that sharing long, intense weekends with this guy immediately put a veil over my eyes.
But let me explain. Usually, relationships start progressively, and the nature of the first dates vary (for example, a coffee, then a drink and dinner, then an afternoon activity, then one night and another, and then a long weekend, etc.). This way, the mutual interest of the future partners has time to grow and be confirmed. Distance did not allow for this natural evolution of feelings. Alternating the lengths of dates was impossible. A lunch of a few hours and then parting happily to meet again in 2-3 days? Forget it. Meetings were always concentrated, planned, and without any variation or spontaneity. In the end, these trips became a nightmarish routine, preventing me from seeing my friends when I wanted. Ultimately, this story ended via text… neither of us thought it was worth driving 400 kilometers to say goodbye.
Making a long-distance relationship evolve
This experience prompts me, in principle, to advise against engaging in long-distance relationships, especially if it’s through online dating. I’m not saying they’re impossible. But I believe these relationships are complicated because they require mutual trust, extraordinary communication efforts, and shared projects that strengthen the couple. The investment (in time and money) is significant from the beginning, even before feelings have had time to grow.
Nevertheless, perhaps you’re currently in a long-distance relationship that you believe in. Maybe you want your man to move closer to you geographically. Distance can also occur after meeting, for example, due to your partner’s job relocation. What attitude should you adopt in these situations? If I mention this last case, it’s because it’s my own experience. After two months of a well-established relationship, my boyfriend told me he had an unexpected professional opportunity in his home country and planned to return there. Since I was starting a new job here and didn’t speak the language of that country, it would have been impossible for me to follow him. This announcement seemed to mark the end of our story. I can still see myself in tears, feeling betrayed and abandoned.
Enough suspense: know that this man has been my partner for three years now! How did I get him to stay? By stopping the tears and telling him the following: “What you’re telling me hurts because I care deeply about you. But I trust in the future, whatever happens. If you choose to leave, I will respect your decision. It’s up to you.”
These few words, I am sure, saved my relationship. My boyfriend turned down the job, without any pressure from me. After about ten days of reflection, he came to the conclusion on his own that he couldn’t see himself living far away from me. Of course, during that time, I was dying to beg him to stay. But what’s the point? So that he would stay out of pity or under duress and blame me for the rest of his life for being an obstacle to his professional ascent? Or so that he would accept the job out of pride or a spirit of contradiction?
In conclusion, if you’re in a relationship that requires – for it to continue or evolve – your partner to make significant decisions (leaving their city or even their country, resigning, giving up a promotion, leaving friends and family, etc.), I can only advise you to explicitly tell them that the choice is theirs, and you will respect their decision, whatever happens. People aspire to be free and don’t like having things imposed on them. Moreover, the majority of men need to navigate alone and internally when it comes to significant life decisions. Allowing them this space of freedom is a sign of understanding, respect, and maturity. In short, in my opinion, it’s expressing love in a way just as strong as saying “I love you.” You’ll find that it’s a win-win situation, as you’ll finally get proof that they care deeply about you (or not… but at least you’ll know where you stand).
