For some, there are no rules or timing to follow when it comes to moving in together, while others believe it should wait several years. So, who should we listen to? Is there a recipe that works, signs to look for before taking the leap? I reveal everything in this article, sharing my experience as a woman living with her partner for 2 years.
Taking a moment before diving in
The idea of this article is to stack the odds in your favor, avoiding common obstacles. I’ll have to highlight some things you may not want to hear now, but still need to listen to. It’s better to make informed decisions, preventing any “if only I had known” moments, although good advice never replaces our own experiences. 😉
1/ “We’ll see each other more often, it’s great”
Once you move in with someone, you see each other more often, sharing the same room and daily life. No more traversing the city to meet up (for the fortunate ones) or adjusting schedules for a romantic date. It sounds fantastic, right? However, the time spent together isn’t exactly the same as before because the new things you share (let’s be honest) aren’t always the most enriching: bills, chores, groceries, dishes, hair in the drain, tidying up. It’s a part of intimacy we forget, but that cohabitation quickly reminds us of.
Seeing each other becomes the default situation, and “not seeing each other” becomes the exception. Therefore, you must remember to maintain the seduction. Surprises and desire in a relationship are easier to keep when you don’t live under the same roof because you fully enjoy the time together, knowing you won’t see each other the next day.
Also, don’t automatically equate presence with quality moments. Sharing a meal alone outside is not the same as sitting on the couch while one fills out tax forms and you scroll through your Instagram feed, checking where your friends are spending their Thursday night. Sharing living space is not the same as sharing a moment! Prepare yourself for this new change in your couple dynamics, so you won’t be hit hard by the “roommate effect.” Of course, it won’t happen during the first weeks or even the first few months of moving in, but to prevent it from happening, it’s important to establish good habits from the beginning.
2/ The right timing doesn’t exist
You can and should take the time to evaluate what you’re getting into because I really doubt you’d want to go back on your decision in a few months.
Be careful not to compare yourself to others and make your decision based on “social pressure.” Just because your friend did it after 6 months or 4 years doesn’t mean she’s necessarily right. You don’t know the details of her relationship, her partner may have different needs or expectations than yours. She may be right, but maybe not! Whether you’re 24, 30, or 40 years old, you have your own life experiences that will influence how fast or slow you want to go. Make your decision for yourself, not to please others.
I don’t mean to discourage you, but be cautious about having too many expectations and ideals in mind. You might end up disappointed. Don’t forget that living together can amplify existing problems in a relationship, and you should have some knowledge about the person before taking this big leap.
3/ Your underlying motivations
It’s important to understand and articulate our underlying motivations. Sometimes, we tend to deceive ourselves and say that we want to live together solely out of love. However, some people do it because they can’t stand being alone, others because they want to know what their partner does when they’re not around and want to “secure” their relationship by living together. Some may even think they’ll save money (which is not always the case, or it comes at the expense of space).
This list of bad reasons is not exhaustive. You need to be honest with yourself before taking action. Living together for the wrong reasons will have long-term consequences, and you won’t fool anyone, not even yourself!
Before taking the plunge
Now that you have a rough idea of what to expect, here are a few more tips before taking the leap (you can never be too cautious). We’re getting into the practical aspects, but once you’re there, that’s what really matters!
1/ Set your boundaries
I believe that in order to succeed in life as a couple, you need to anticipate as many potential problem situations as possible. This includes managing schedules, allowing space and time for each other, dividing tasks, and understanding each other’s financial behavior.
Living with someone who is overly frugal or someone who constantly spends beyond their means is not easy, as it jeopardizes your own security, and that’s not something to be taken lightly! Additionally, since you’ll be spending a lot of time together, it’s important to discuss each other’s needs for privacy and personal time. Otherwise, you might suffocate each other and end up avoiding one another due to a lack of space and individual life experiences. I know these are the kind of discussions that we may not necessarily want to have, but believe me, they are necessary. Yann gives some good advice on how to approach these discussions in his book.
As for task distribution, it is essential because it often becomes a source of conflict. Neither of you should feel like you’re doing more than the other. In my opinion, it’s best to let our respective skills shine through. There are surely things that each of you prefers to do. Personally, I handle cleaning and laundry, while my partner takes care of cooking and dishes. When we calculate the time spent on these tasks each week, it evens out. It’s up to you to decide! But it’s important to discuss and assign responsibilities to ensure that things get done. If we share everything without “labeling” the tasks, it’s the easiest way for dishes to pile up, and it becomes nobody’s fault.
2/ Have a trial period
Moving in together means taking the risk that it might not work out (even if you don’t want to think about it), and there’s nothing worse than sharing a living space with someone you can’t stand anymore and having to find another solution in a rush, just a few months after moving in. That’s why I recommend having a “trial period.” I did it myself for a month and a half (you can shorten or extend it reasonably), during which I kept my own apartment to ensure that I could go back there in case of failure or doubt. But I can assure you that the immersion was complete during that month. Looking back, I would even say that it was a bit short (it took him a good 8 months before deliberately leaving his dirty socks at the foot of the laundry basket)… but I digress! 😅
3/ Choose a new environment
It is crucial to break away from your respective pasts and routines. Each living space has its own history and memories. Bringing your partner to your place can be problematic if they can’t feel at home there and see reminders of your ex everywhere. It’s better to create a fresh start by finding a new place. Neither partner should feel like they’re just crashing at the other’s place and having to deal with their decorative preferences. Besides, it’s extremely enjoyable to take the time to “design your apartment,” think about the optimal layout, find decorating ideas on Pinterest, make things yourself, and draw inspiration from blogs. In short, creating a decoration that reflects both partners and spending weekends exploring IKEA together really strengthens the bond!
4/ Pay attention to the living space
To live well together, or at least comfortably (yes, there are always exceptions, but the idea is to increase the chances of things going well on your side), ideally your new place should have the combined square footage of both your previous homes (as that’s the space each of you needs). Before, I lived in an 18-square-meter studio, and he had a 30-square-meter apartment. Now we have a 50-square-meter apartment. I know that living day-to-day in a very restricted space can create tensions between you and your partner, leading you to want to distance yourselves or have more alone time than you initially anticipated. We all need privacy, and if you don’t notice it in the first few months, that need will eventually arise, sooner or later.
In short, cohabitation will only be successful if both partners make an effort and become aware of the points we’ve raised. As crazy as it may sound, despite all the great aspects of living together, you’ll have more work to do on your relationship when living together on a daily basis than when maintaining your individual privacy. But now you’re aware! 😉
