Hello Yann,
I got to know your work through a friend, who I caught surfing through your advice and videos. I am very interested in your work today, particularly helping women understand men and allowing us to set some “limits” that men should not cross, or similarly, that women should not exceed.
Physical appearance is very important to my boyfriend, both his and the girl he chooses to be with. It’s one of the most important criteria when he fell in love with me. In our three years of relationship, I have several times caught him looking at girls on Instagram, models, actors, more or less vulgar. I do not understand, what does a man get out of this when he says he is satisfied with my physical appearance and our sexual relationship? You will surely answer me that women also look at men in the same way, I know you are right, but this is not my case. I have neither the desire nor the need to look at other guys than mine, which I have always found perfect physically.
Despite the effort I put into my personal development and my sports activities to be at the top physically, I am terribly lacking in self-confidence. And all the efforts I can make to accept and love my body are easily destroyed by a remark from my boyfriend.
The last one I could not digest was “when we have money we will have your breasts done”. Yes, nature has not endowed me with a modest 85B. In addition, he compares me and assimilates me to this girl from Instagram, telling me that in any case I look like her, without the chest, and that I should not get angry. He just looks when he is at the gym because he finds it motivating to look at nice bodies. I have already explained to him that it hurt me, that it undermined the confidence I have about my physique, that all he said about loving my physique was forgotten when I realized he was looking at this kind of thing.
At first, understanding and seeing that this affected me a lot, he stopped. Then he started again. Then, seeing that simply asking him to stop this behaviour did not work, I started to be more flexible: “look but tell me”. My perception of what is acceptable and respectful is blurred. What do you think? Knowing that he knows I have trouble with my physique (even if he tells me I’m beautiful, even though I’m very slim and athletic I don’t feel up to these Instagrammers), is it disrespectful? A lack of tact? I wonder if I should continue to endure this and force myself to harden, or if a relationship should be a source of well-being where one does not feel “not good enough” while finding the other perfect.
Thanks again,
Elisa
Hi Elisa,
Men are stimulated by the sight of a beautiful woman and your boyfriend is no exception. Knowing that he looks at other women when you’re not around shouldn’t worry you because it will always be this way until his sight declines.
Now, you did well in coming to me because you have a big respect problem in your relationship. Your boyfriend knows the negative effect this has on you and not only does he let you know that he looks at these women, but he also compares you to them and, icing on the cake, he questions your physical appearance! Wow. If I wanted to hurt a woman I would sign her up for his class.
You haven’t been firm enough
Let’s talk a bit about discipline and take the example of a child who draws on the wallpaper – we’ve all done it, right? If we only threaten the little artist with a punishment, he will stop, then take up his felt pen again and start over when things calm down. If the punishment doesn’t come, he will understand that authority is just a smoke screen and that he is in control. He will no longer respect it (authority) or the person who represents it. It’s the same here.
First of all Elisa I congratulate you, you were right to start with a discussion to make him understand what you were feeling (happy couples don’t argue, they explain). That your guy drools over emrata’s backside… He does what he wants and doesn’t hurt anyone, but from the moment he LIKES it, he makes it public and it’s completely different. He doesn’t need to do that and your annoyance is legitimate, especially if he does it every day.
Only here, he stopped and then started again despite your discussion, and instead of acting to make you respected, you negotiated with him. You should have made him understand that he had gone too far, not by discussing, sulking or getting angry, but by withdrawing from him. You have to explain to him why you are leaving and let him meditate to come back to you with excuses. This difficult posture is the most effective thing a woman can do. As long as you are close to him talking, negotiating, arguing, he is not troubled but from the moment you stop sending signals that betray your level of interest, he will start thinking and worrying. This is how a man will understand that if he doesn’t respect you, he will lose you.
The behavior I describe here also applies to men who will also be tested by their partner. In an ideal world lovers would be respectful without having to go through this kind of experience, but we are human beings…
But what if he didn’t come back?
You love your boyfriend, that’s obvious, but you also have to love yourself. If in this kind of episode he didn’t come back to you, it means that he didn’t choose you as a partner in the long term and that he only sees you as a girl with whom “it’s good for the moment”.
In most of my trainings, this notion of loving oneself holds a central place, not in the gnian-gnian way we often hear, like a balm that we would pass on to feel better after a hard day. No, in the true sense: “I love myself so I act in my interest and to make myself respected”.
Just then, what follows in your letter is more alarming. Asking you to change your body is on the limit of disrespect, he has gone very far behind. Your partner does not support you, he pulls you down. The fact that he follows it with a “but I love your body you know” should not distract you, it does not cancel out his lack of respect. It’s like you decide for him to have a nose job or enlarge his you know what ! You lack respect by accepting him to behave like this with you. You have to toughen up not to take it, but to react and not let such blows pass and reach you.
Some women who read this article won’t understand how you can still stay with him, and even though I understand them, I know from experience that you’re not ready to leave him overnight, so I propose the following action plan. As you have already sounded the alarm, it’s time to get serious. The next time he disrespects you, write this to him on paper:
“We have already talked about it several times but I see that you don’t want me to feel good with you. Since you want a woman with a different body, I suggest you go looking for her.”
Give him this paper without saying anything, then leave. If he doesn’t come back to you understanding his mistakes and apologizing, he will never be the partner you want him to be and this relationship will never bring you what you expect from it.
Oh yes, why on paper? Because he doesn’t listen to you when you talk to him.
