Hello Yann, I’m sure you must have hundreds of messages but I’m taking a chance in the hope that you can give me an answer.
I met my boyfriend less than a month ago, we met on Tinder. The first two weeks of virtual communication went very well, he showed that he was interested, that he wanted to discover me and get to know me. He had even set up a little game we called #questionoftheday where we asked each other a bit more personal questions about ourselves. We eventually met, he invited me to dinner. Very nice meeting and beautiful person who shares the same values and principles.
Only here, a few days after our meeting there is a real change: he seems less enthusiastic than before. He tells me that in a way it scares him that I can get attached, that since his past story he is not easily attached. He then spent two weeks on vacation in Brazil with friends, so obviously we didn’t see each other, so there were fewer messages. It’s not easy in this beginning of the relationship to see him leave, take a little distance and continue to try to trust. He has just returned, we spent two days together and I felt distant, I don’t know how to react knowing that we have already talked about it, I don’t want to bother him too much but on my side I’m not necessarily well seeing that he flees.
Johanna
Hello Johanna,
Your letter is an opportunity for me to address a topic that I have wanted to talk about for a while now, which is the tendency to project oneself into a meeting that has yet to take place and to project oneself in general without taking into account the real level of interest of the person.
This is what you are doing when you talk about “your boyfriend” or “start of a relationship”. You have known each other for a few days and nothing has happened yet, this man is not currently your partner, in his attitude he is more likely heading in the opposite direction and above all, he has not expressed it, he has not said to you: “Johanna, I want us to be a couple, you and me”. This kind of declaration, the fact that the man names the relationship himself, is both an objective and a reference point.
Let’s take this meeting now. You met on Tinder and talked a lot before seeing each other, but the real meeting took place the day you saw each other face to face for the first time. It is only from this moment that you can evaluate the real level of interest of a man, everything that comes before, all the information exchanged counts for nothing because there has been no real test such as the meeting.
We can find someone attractive in a photo, stimulating in conversation and still not feel the desired alchemy at the time of the meeting. During this first judgment, a whole range of variables come into play, starting with the voice and the smell which, according to scientists, play a much more important role in love compatibility than we imagine (as an anecdote, men are able to unconsciously determine whether a woman is in her ovulation period). There are obviously a multitude of other individual criteria that completely escape our understanding.
Two things can happen during an online meeting: you can be positively surprised or disappointed, but the real assessment for you is after this real meeting with his determination to see you again in the days that follow. Here, this man who seemed full of enthusiasm has taken his foot off the pedal after your first meeting. Usually, men who are interested tend to maintain their efforts or even add more when they are attracted. That’s the game of dating apps. My advice to those who use them: do not spend weeks talking to each other before meeting and just have a coffee, until you have a man in front of you who pleases you and who is also interested. You will know little by little but it will start with the fact that he will come back to you without you having to agitate.
For me, there are two possible explanations for this behaviour, Johanna, either the level of interest of this guy was not initially very high, or you are not telling me everything in this letter and you have seen each other non-stop during the days following this dinner, you have mentioned a project of children and you have tattooed his name on your forearm. I’m exaggerating of course, but you get the idea, going faster than feelings is like wanting to feed a baby too quickly, it regurgitates.
