“Do you believe in fidelity?”
I put down my cup and opened my mouth to give a response, but I had nothing prepared. I wanted to give Stephanie a simple and definite answer, but it was like she had asked me if I believed in peace. Yes. No. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
Having worked with men on their dating and love relationships for 8 years and with women for 5 years, the topic of infidelity, the number one cause of separation, has come up many times in conversations.
The first thing to recognize, which does not allow for a yes or no answer to the famous question, is that the same person can be faithful in one relationship and unfaithful in another: there is no fidelity gene. So, to approach the problem of male infidelity, I will list the most common causes I have identified.
Low level of interest
This is the most common of all, for all sorts of reasons the level of interest has slowly gone down over time without anyone thinking of doing anything about it. Cheating which is very rare when the level of interest is in the 90-100 range but more common when the interest gets close to 50.
To put it simply, the relationship still exists on paper but does not really exist in the man’s head, it is held together by a thread which could be cut by the discovery of the cheating in question, which could suit the one who does not have the courage to leave. Note: Yes, it’s a bit strange but I talk about “level of interest” to measure a person’s feelings, because interest (romantic) is not binary. 0 to 50 = not interested, 50 beginning of interest, 100 = love / total respect / admiration.
To take revenge
His partner is making him suffer by a certain behaviour, rather than confronting her he will have an escape reaction by taking an interest in other women.
He has decided to be unfaithful
His pleasure and obedience to a biological injunction are more important to him than respecting his commitment to his partner. This is the case with some men who consider the exclusivity contract impossible to respect and who are morally in agreement with themselves about cheating, systematically or occasionally.
Surprise effect combined with inexperience
In his life he has never been confronted with the idea of cheating and one day an opportunity he cannot resist presents itself. Alcohol or drugs are often involved in these situations which cloud judgment and make it easier to act.
Note: many men over the age of 35 have already experienced infidelity. Even if he swears to the contrary, it is less likely that he is totally unfamiliar with this experience. It is not a bad thing, having had this experience, he could have learned lessons whether good or bad. If he opens up to you about it, don’t make him pay for it, on the contrary, listen to what he has to tell you.
The risk factor is very low
Finally, and this is not a reason but a factor to combine with the other reasons mentioned: “it won’t be known”. In other words, the risk factor that his relationship will suffer is very low.
These are the main causes I have identified during my work sessions, this does not mean that there are none others; but already we can see that they assume very different situations. Not to mention that each person has his own idea of understanding to define what infidelity in love is. For some people it starts with an exchange of messages with flirtation. For others it will be an intimate contact such as a kiss or a caress.
Obviously there is no way to guarantee that your partner will never have any adventure behind your back, the best you can do is be attentive to your relationship and make sure that this is also the case for him and look for it together to constantly evolve. We could continue the reflection by asking why something that happens so often in love relationships is also the least anticipated, least discussed, and most difficult to overcome.
If you have just started a relationship, or even started seeing a new person, I invite you to open the discussion especially under the disguise of a game or a joke to already understand your partner’s way of thinking and be able to exchange with him on the subject on neutral ground.
