Struggling to figure out if he’s really interested in you or if he is just leading you on? Here are some tips to help you understand what the men you date are really feeling.
I recently coached a woman who didn’t understand why the man she was dating was hot and cold with her, giving her one contradictory signal after another. She had even started to question herself, and couldn’t see the situation clearly.
This type of situation is common, and these tips can help you spot when a man is interested. This will help you stop wasting your time on someone who is not that into you, or build a meaningful relationship, the kind that you have been waiting for. With men, it’s never black and white, and it is possible that they are “a little bit” interested.
If we avoided playing games and were straightforward with our intentions from the get-go, love stories would be less chaotic and many problems could be avoided. But unfortunately, things aren’t so simple. Each person in a relationship wants to prioritise themselves, and you can end up chasing after someone who never had, and never will have, any intention of building a serious relationship with you.
In spite of how it may seem, there are signals that can be tell-tale signs of a lack of interest, provided that you know what to look out for.
How is your behaviour towards him?
You are stuck in a state of flux, and find yourself thinking about this relationship numerous times throughout the day. You ask yourself whether you should message him again, start an engaging conversation, ring him, or ask him if he wants to do something. Basically, your brain is in a state of overdrive. He’s always on your mind, and you organise your schedule and your next move around him, because there’s no way you would want to end up missing out on an evening together.
You don’t make plans, or you cancel the plans that you had in order to see him, because you don’t know when it will happen again.
This kind of behaviour isn’t sustainable. There’s no need to put your life on hold, or make it revolve around one person, especially one that you are not even in a relationship with yet. Firstly, your mental health is sure to suffer, and secondly, it automatically puts you in a position which devalues you in the eyes of men.
You’re the first to start a conversation. He only replies to what you said. He chooses the activities you do. Where you see each other. You ask when he is free, but he never asks when you are – or he only asks late at night, or at weekends. In other words, you take a lot of initiative, but it’s not returned.
He barely makes an effort, is very busy, and doesn’t ask much of you.
Balance is essential, even at the beginning of a relationship. Consider this: if you’re putting your relationship at arm’s length from the start, there’s a problem. Someone who is interested in you will never let you do all of the work.
How should I read his behaviour?
He doesn’t spend much time with you, and he doesn’t try to adjust his schedule so that he can see you. Unless he’s training for a marathon, this type of behaviour is very telling. He’s not making you a priority.
He takes time to reply. Sometimes days pass before you get any sign that he’s still alive. You frequently check your phone to see if he has answered. Am I overreacting? Do people normally take this long to reply? you ask your friends. A moment later, a short message lights up your screen. “Very cute” followed by some emojis: ❤ 🐣 😘.
Now you can put all your doubts aside and wait eagerly to reply.
You don’t want to reply straight away, so as to avoid looking needy. At the same time, you are dying to ask him why he has been absent, and to find out what could be keeping him too busy to message.
Though you think you now have his attention, in reality, that’s not the case at all. He has just invested 5 short seconds of his time (including picking up his phone) to message you and maintain your level of interest in him. He didn’t have to think it over. He didn’t have to prepare for it. Allowing men to invest less – relationship or not – isn’t sustainable.
The bottom line is that he is elusive and things aren’t moving forward. The truth is that something is wrong and it’s not you, it’s him.
He occasionally gives you attention for the following reason: he needs to rebalance the scales. He knows that if he is too distant, something will break and you will become bored, move on, and realise that he wasn’t REALLY interested.
Sharing a male secret
No man wants to be completely single, with no prospects, female attention or company.
He wants to keep his options open, for those lonely nights, or to sleep with you. And he can accomplish that with just a very small investment on his part.
Why you need to know when to say stop
Your behaviour is harmful for a number of reasons:
- This relationship isn’t bringing anything positive to your life, and is causing you to waste energy and space in your mind.
- You are losing confidence in yourself. You feel like you are not worthy of someone being interested in you.
- You are missing out on time with friends, and also with other men who will want to give you the attention you deserve.
- He is permitted to continue this bad behaviour of sporadic small gestures.
- You are stuck in a dead-end relationship, and deep down you know it.
And if he’s really interested?
A man who really is interested in you will invest his energy, do things for you, and come to you. But never forget that a man’s actions speak louder than his words. He can tell you what he wants, but he is only going to put in the effort for a woman that he really wants in his life.
Your understanding should be that texts and quick messages will never substitute reading the real signals, which are as follows:
- He wants to spend more time with you.
- He makes you a priority in his life (and you are moving up his list, little by little).
- He is creative: he considers where he wants to invite you, and what he wants to do together.
A man who is truly interested in you will show that there is a possibility of the relationship progressing. He will want to see you more and more often. He will talk to you without needing a reason, simply because he wants to have your attention, and to check if you are interested in him. Tell yourself this, and do not forget your true value.
You are worth so much more than a quick message here and there.
I don’t want you to waste any more time or energy, or to see your self esteem suffer because of this kind of behaviour. Behaviour that you are accepting.
Don’t waste your time trying to interest a disinterested man.
