How to respond to ‘I love you’?
‘I love you’ only holds meaning at the moment it is spoken; it carries no other information beyond its immediate expression: no reserve, no repository of meaning. Everything lies in the utterance itself.
– Roland Barthes, A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments
‘I love you’—these few meaningful words are often seen as a milestone in a relationship. People imagine a sort of ‘before and after’ tied to the declaration. Yet ideally, it should come at a point when it already feels self-evident because of the bond that has developed.
When we were younger, ‘I love you’ felt sweet and innocent. During our first loves, it was filled with hope and butterflies! Now, saying ‘I love you’ carries deeper significance.
The first ‘I love you’ is said after a certain amount of time—after exploring the relationship and navigating some of life’s ups and downs together. It comes after seeing each other in both flattering and unflattering lights, allowing feelings to grow and solidify. Today’s ‘I love you’ reflects on the journey of the relationship, from its beginning to the present moment.
The first ‘I love you’ is also an acknowledgment of a fact: recognizing that the feelings we have for the other person are so strong that we know it’s love.
Saying ‘I love you’ simply verbalizes what already ‘is.’ While it only reflects the emotions felt at the moment it’s spoken—not those of tomorrow—we can reasonably assume that a sudden collapse of those feelings is unlikely, and it will hold true for a while. In this way, it sounds like a promise. It’s rooted in shared experiences and the vision of a future together that naturally follows.
Why might responding to ‘I love you’ not always be so straightforward? Because it doesn’t always come at the right time, either for you or for the relationship! As you may have guessed, there are different kinds of ‘I love you,’ and we’ll explain them. So, here’s our advice on how to respond to a man who tells you ‘I love you.’
The ‘I love you’ that comes too soon
When it comes to managing emotions, we’re not all at the same stage. Some people are more impulsive and reactive to what they feel in the moment. This is what might lead a man to say ‘I love you’ shortly after meeting you. While you barely know each other, he gets caught up in the moment and overwhelmed by a surge of emotions.
On your end, you like him and enjoy what’s happening between you, but this sudden declaration after just a few dates throws you off balance. Even if everything else is going well, whether you find this ‘I love you’ endearing or a bit unsettling, it’s clear that it needs to be handled delicately. And even that delicate approach should be taken with care.
This doesn’t take away from the intensity of what you’re sharing or the sincerity of his feelings. However, it does hint at a certain instability that could lead to bigger issues later and possibly end in disappointment.
Not responding to ‘I love you’ at all can feel like a real rejection. In the moment, it’s less harsh to laugh and say something like, ‘You’re not serious,’ or ‘I don’t believe you.’ Once the surprise wears off, let him know that you really enjoy the time you spend together too, but you’re just not there yet. Romantic gestures can be thrilling, but if you’re trying to build a lasting relationship, don’t let this declaration push things forward too quickly. Instead, take a step back, tread carefully, and slow things down.
The ‘I love you’ during intimacy (or any other moment of heightened emotion)
If there’s one moment we truly let go, it’s during intimacy. Of course, that’s not always entirely true, and you’re right! But in certain situations, the overwhelming sensations and emotions can lead your partner to let words slip out during those intimate moments. Maybe you’ve even found yourself on the verge of telling a man you love him during intimacy, even if those feelings weren’t as clear outside of that context.
For that very reason, don’t take an ‘I love you’ blurted out during the act at face value. The context in which it was said matters. This doesn’t mean you should dismiss it entirely! But I’d advise against taking it too literally or responding with the same level of enthusiasm. Instead, continue enjoying the intimate moment you’re sharing. Show your affection for your partner—kiss him, make him feel how much you’re enjoying the connection between you, whisper sweet things to him… If he truly wants to tell you he loves you, he’ll find another moment to say it.
The ‘I love you’ that isn’t (yet) mutual
This is the most common scenario, and it’s completely normal. As I mentioned earlier, saying ‘I love you’ is simply a reflection of what already exists—a recognition of feelings that have developed. However, this doesn’t mean those feelings are necessarily shared. It’s not unusual for one person to feel certain before the other. In such cases, the ‘I love you’ highlights a mismatch in emotional timing.
If the man you’re with tells you he loves you, but you’re not there yet, don’t panic! The key thing is to respond—you don’t want to leave him hanging, not just on his ‘I love you’ but in the conversation itself. You can say things like, ‘I love hearing you say that,’ ‘Really???’ ‘You drive me crazy,’ or even respond slowly with, ‘My love.’ Later on, let him know that his words deeply touched you, that you look forward to saying the same to him one day, but that you’d like to take your time.
Of course, if you feel certain that you’ll never fall in love with him and that his declaration crosses a line, you need to act. Tell him that you’re moved by his words, that you wish things were different, but that you realize your feelings aren’t heading in the same direction. Be honest, even if it’s difficult.
Saying “I love you”
In this article, I’ve focused on situations where he’s the first to declare his feelings. But why not say it yourself? Many men aren’t particularly expressive, and all they need to let their love overflow is to feel that their partner is on the same page.
The idea isn’t to say “I love you” just because you feel it one morning when you wake up or because you want to hear it to ease some insecurity. Aim to say it when you’re confident about his level of interest—that’s the best way to experience a mutual, heartfelt “I love you.”
