Hi Yann,
I’ve been wondering about something for the past month now. I’m 26 years old and I met this guy two months ago. We talk every day and we see each other very often (1-2 times a week). After a month, I knew we were exclusive so I asked him (for confirmation) if we were together. His response was very unexpected: “I don’t know, soon? Can we give it some time?”
So I know, it might have been a bit too soon (even though I don’t really think so but whatever). I still wanted to make sure I was looking for something serious. Apparently he does too, but he needs more time (he left someone a year ago after being with them for 5 years). So I can understand that, but I don’t want someone who only wants me half way. We are two months in now, I’m trying to be patient because I’m falling in love. But this is a very uncomfortable situation for me. I’m investing more and more in this uncertain relationship. I think he appreciates me but I can’t seem to bring up the subject again. I alternate between “what an idiot he’s playing with me and I’m being a fool” and “I asked that question too soon, I should give him more time”. The truth? I don’t know.
I’m lost, I don’t know when or how to bring up the subject… In any case I’m starting to suffer. I have little experience with love relationships and I have no idea how to manage this. So why bother with this if the relationship is cool? Because for him it’s a sign of commitment, while for me it’s a sign of trust. I feel like I’m in a trial period or in a waiting room . It’s horrible. I can’t tell if this situation is normal and when to say stop. What do you think? Thank you.
Johanna
Dear Johanna,
You have been focusing more on the result (having a relationship with this man) than on how to get it (how to make him fall in love). One thing to understand is that every woman has an enormous margin of maneuver and therefore an equally great responsibility for her feelings whether they are growing or not. You only talk about time in your letter, but it is not about attracting a man, waiting a bit and asking him if he is ready to stay : it is more than that, it is a game of skill!
It is neither the time that makes a man fall in love, nor what you do for him but what he does for you. You say in your letter that you are investing more and more in this relationship, yet it is precisely the opposite that you should do. I invite you at his next outing to get my book “How to Put a Man in Your Pocket”, I talk in detail about the period you have just gone through and what you can do to get a man to commit to you.
If you put on one side of the scale a “cool” relationship and on the other its love availability, for the moment it is towards the latter that the balance is tipping. He needs more than a cool relationship, he needs something stronger. When I see his reaction I would say that for the moment this man has not needed to conquer you, he does not feel the slightest worry. By asking him this question “are we together” (a question not to ask and which I think came too soon) this feeling that you are acquired has become a certainty for him, and he is taking the luxury of putting you on hold now. You will have to reverse the situation Johanna, you will have to make him experience the fear of losing you because it is by realizing that he can see you disappear from his life that he will realize your value.
Gradually but quickly, with as few words as possible, move away. You have to put some distance between you. There won’t be any words for a day or two, giving time to understand something is wrong. If he comes back to you, that’s already a good sign, but instead of reassuring and rewarding him, you must make him anxious (yes, I know, it’s difficult). Make him anxious until he takes action towards you. I can’t say exactly what form it will take, but you won’t have any trouble seeing that he’s making an extra effort compared to his past attitude.
If he acts quickly, the game isn’t over yet, but you’ll know that something has clicked in him and that there’s definitely something to do.
